Now why didn’t I think of that before?

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My husband was super excited to hand over his valeted, serviced 4×4 to me this week; with new wheels and tints. “Hurrah!” I cried; no more cramming Mason into the backseat and having to be careful with the amount I buy at Ikea!

So today, after hitting the mall to do some ESSENTIAL shopping, to say I was excited at the boot space was an understatement. The candles had plenty space to sit on their own without getting broken and there was ample room for the kitchen contraption that I bought (though to be honest, I am still not quite sure what it is for).

My 3 year old was pretty happy too, he didn’t have to balance bags on is lap all the way home. BONUS!

After loading up, I jumped in the car, reversed out the spot and suddenly the ‘car door open’ alarm started beeping away at me. Confused, I jumped out, realised the boot door was wide open and started my attempts to close it.

Trying to be cool and act like I knew what I was doing, I was focused on not letting the panic set in. This was made even more difficult as I was also trying not to focus on the woman sat (very helpfully) gesturing at me, in the car behind.

Jumping back in the car and reversing into a space, the thoughts were starting to explode in my brain;

How am I going to get back?

Oh God, my battery on my phone has just died

Why did Gary have to get the stupid car valeted in the first place?

You catch my drift!

I decided I needed to sort this out alone, instead of running crying to the security guard as I would normally. Trying to ignore the questions now ricocheting around the car from the 3 year old (why did I have to say something was broken?!) I decided to go with the flow of logical thought for once (hold your giggles)

Okay, so I need to keep the door closed, therefore I need to tie it with something

There’s a handle inside the boot, I bet I can tie something to that

Hurrah, it’s working, I am getting ideas….stay focused Kayleigh

Right, what is in the car?….nothing, because he had to get the car valeted this week didn’t he?!

Oh yes, my new bag has a long handle…ok it’s not ideal, but I bet it will work.

Running around to the car now, I opened the back door, unhooked the handle off my new bag and attempted to pull the seat forward to climb into the boot. The problem is, I have never even pretended to take an interest in learning how to do this task; hubby even showed me once, but I was too busy mentally sipping my wine to take any notice.

So there I was, already in a fluster over my predicament and now the seat wouldn’t move forward; no matter how many different ways I attempted to slam it forward whilst pulling the lever. Only one thing for it, I decided to climb over.

The problem is, the space between the chairs and the roof of the car looks a lot bigger than it actually is. Also, the chairs look a lot easier to mount than they actually are. So as I whipped my shoes off, threw my first leg over, the headrest embedded itself inside my crotch and I found myself pinned horizontally along the seats.

I then managed to swing the other leg round so I was almost in a star position and then propelled myself into the boot of the car. I am not graceful at the best of times, but landing on my chin and in a crumpled heap in the boot wasn’t my idea of a safe landing.

ok, you’re in…just brush it off.

Pulling myself together, I managed to find 2 loops in the car that I could tie the bag handle between; but to say I got frustrated at my attempts to hold the door shut is an understatement.

No matter how I pulled it, I couldn’t get the 2 hooks on the bag handle to click together and as a result I had tears welling in my eyes, gritted teeth and what was the start of an extremely sore chin.

Finally, I managed to get some sort of knot in there and with a quick ‘push test’, I decided it would do. Crawling back over into the car, I saw two men pull into the space next to me. Their facial expressions told me that I did indeed look like an idiot.

Now smarting with humiliation and pain spreading all over my body, I made the SLOW drive back home; attempting to avoid roundabouts, sharp bends and speed bumps. Of course, every route I chose had all 3 in quick succession and as a result the alarm continued to beep at me as the door swung open.

Due to the pressure of the situation, the alarm seemed to be growing louder and louder, until I had the urge to shout “Yes, I know my bloody boot is open, do you think I need reminding every 5 seconds?!” but you know….the 3 year old.

Finally home, my ears ringing from the alarm and 500 questions from the back; Mason decided to check the broken door out for himself.

“Just wait until I get the shopping out”….”okay, now watch, it won’t close”.

As I gave it the biggest slam imaginable (for effect), the clasp magically released and the door locked into place.

Now why didn’t I think of that before?

K xx

https://kayles23blog.wordpress.com/

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Patricia the Stripper

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Today I drove to nursery, waited at reception for 10 minutes with all the other prompt parents (yes, can you believe I have started arriving early to ensure I don’t get stuck in the queue for parking spaces? “How grown up of you”, I hear you cry!)

While I was stood there, I smiled at a number of parents and staff, who  all immediately shot their glances to the ground. “Odd”, I thought and in true Kayleigh fashion, I got paranoia that I had been shunned due to my inability to hang around the entrance chatting about my Costa visit every morning!

Moving on.

I jumped in the car, arrived at work and greeted the security guard, who seemed extremely pleased to see me this morning….”phew, obviously not mega bitch to everyone”.

Greeting all my colleagues in the corridors, visiting the canteen, attending the loo with seemingly every single trainee on site; I failed to realise that something was amiss.

Next stop….Head Office.

Meeting with the Executive Officer, meeting with the Business Development Director, meeting with the Assurance Director……I finally sit down and one of my long time colleagues (and friend, thank God) sits down.

“Do up a button Kayleigh, your boobs are hanging out”.

The day whizzed by me in a time-lapse mode and here I am…..blushing.

Guess I am getting closer to emulating Patricia the Stripper!

K xx

 

 

 

 

Learning the ropes…

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This week I have a medley of dumb moments, care to hear what they are?

  1. I stepped back to sit down on a wall and fell back into the potted plants. A quick look round, found that only 2 people saw me…..they had to be Directors right?
  2. In the middle of quite a serious conversation, I asked a couple who had told me both their parents had been spies, if they met at some sort of children’s Spy Camp. Yep, this had to be on the first meeting didn’t it? I couldn’t have broken them into my ways first could I?
  3. I decided that just climbing into a car wasn’t really for me and so doing my usual I tried to be graceful. The result? Lacerations on my ankle (you know they are grazes, but lacerations sound so much better!) When will I learn how to get into a car properly?
  4. I  waved at someone completely random on my street and then pretended we actually knew each other by shouting over the road “how have you been?” I might have to move again soon if I keep embarrassing myself….maybe I should live in isolation?
  5. I hate eating on planes and as a result of my anxiety, I totally misjudged the opening of my water cup and proceeded to throw it all over myself. It really is getting harder and harder to pull off this business woman act, I tell you.
  6. I somehow (ahem) got myself named the “cat lady” by the cleaners at work. They now show me how they have been leaving water for the cats in a bid to impress me. I personally feel quite proud of this deep down….deep deep down.
  7. I hit the brakes instead of the accelerator going round a bend, practically slamming myself into the windscreen. That is the one I saved for last, in the hope my parents have stopped reading and miss the opportunity to give me a lecture.

Yep, it has been quite a week. One thing I AM proud of though, is that I took my time through the airport and only tripped over once….and no one saw…..see I am slowly learning the ropes!

K x

Airport Amateur

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Life has been a little rocky this past year as I embarked on travelling with work every…single…week!

I won’t bore you with the details. There isn’t much to tell, other than the fact that Kayleigh’s World travels with me wherever I go….including Saudi Arabia!

I have had the usual trips, scrapes and falls you might expect and I have put my foot in it on numerous occasions…one being the time I referred to the Bible in an office full of Saudi men (on my first trip to the office I might add!)

To be honest they didn’t seem to understand the reference; but seemed perplexed by my attempts to reverse the comment by digging an even bigger hole.

AND to top it off, I believe I have found a new shade of beetroot, that was designed just for me!

This came about as I exited the airport last week after a long couple of days book ended by crap plane food and even worse company!

So there I was, marching down the travelator in order to make it out the airport quickly and get home for a nice G&T. I was making good time and was congratulating myself on being quite forceful as I barked muttered “excuse me” to all the commuters taking their merry time (amateurs!)

Next, I saw the escalators and decided in all my wisdom that I should take the stairs, because let’s face it, these things are LONG and why wait in line like any sensible person would?!

Oh yeah, I probably should mention at this point that I had decided to keep my abaya on due to the fact that it was freezing on the plane and I hadn’t wanted to waste time whipping it off at arrivals. Just to set the scene, it is long and very ‘floaty’.

So there I was, about to summit the steps leading up to the passport control area. I hitched up my suitcase (perhaps 15kg) and held onto my laptop bag (probably another 5kg) and took the first step.

Now as you know I am not good at stairs, but when you read the above, you see that alarm bells should have been ringing in my head “Kayleigh, turn around. Kayleigh, you can’t do steps in normal circumstances, never mind these!”

NO.

I carried on and as I got about 3/4 of the way up the stairs, the unimaginable (for most people) happened. My foot got stuck in my abaya, plunging me forward and throwing my suitcase in the air. It then pinned itself to my abaya, thus pinning me to the stairs!

There I was flailing around on the steps trying to get going again, thinking that someone would come to my rescue. Oh no. As I turned to look at all the other commuters (you know those amateurs!) passing me on the escalator all I could see were faces filled with disdain!

Next thing, I felt a hand PUSH DOWN on my head in order to get past me!!!!

Yes folks, my fall was obviously an inconvenience for that commuter and so I had the embarrassment of becoming a stoop for a few seconds too.

Finally managing to pull myself up, I realised I had really hurt my knee, was shaking and was a brand new shade of red. Great.

Trying to maintain any sort of dignity at this stage was going to be impossible, so I did what any other normal person would do; I tried to make it look like I was looking for something in my suitcase.

Nice play Kayleigh, you should be proud.

Exiting the airport, I am sure I heard someone mutter “there’s that airport amateur”.

K x

https://kayles23blog.wordpress.com/

 

Stick to the cleaning!

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Last night I proudly showed my husband the toddler ‘toilet steps’ I had built during the day and waited for the praise I deserved…you know, like the kind he expects when he cleans the bathroom?!

So there I am, beaming on the outside, although perhaps a little concerned that I had 8 screws and 10 white pads leftover in the kit.

I was also having flashbacks to my son’s nervous wobble up the steps earlier in the day, which of course was being blamed on anything but my poor construction skills.

Naturally, I had presumed that the company gave out spare screws, just in case they got lost; that the little white pads were in there to protect the screws and that the reason the steps had wobbled so much was because my husband had bought the cheapest version (pah!)

Unfortunately, my analysis of the situation was wrong and the conclusion was that I just can’t build stuff. Never mind, I think I will just stick to the cleaning!

K x

https://kayles23blog.wordpress.com/

Come on you Techies!

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With all these apps on the go, they really ought to start thinking about those of us who are truly in need of support.

You know, those of us who don’t spring out of bed and lunge to the gym (am I in the minority here!?)

Yep, I reckon this app would be super useful, especially on a Friday…strike that….any day!

……Come on you Techies!

K x

https://kayles23blog.wordpress.com/

Bon Voyage to Me!

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Mentally sipping my pina colada; I am preparing for my weekend away already.

My big sunglasses for those embarrassing moments are packed.

I have perfected a way to suck in my tummy (close to not being able to breathe) and still talk.

I have checked 15 times that I have booked the right hotel.

I have also not been near any dodgy water or un-sanitised surfaces in the past week.

Yep, I reckon I am set, given that we don’t have to get on a plane anywhere!

3 days away from Dubai at an all inclusive resort….”what could be better?!” I hear you cry……

Well, nothing actually! Bon Voyage to me!

No Words!

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Never one to let an extremely professional meeting close without a bit of a ‘Kayleigh-ism‘; today I decided to tell my Directors that I would be popping home before going back to the office, in order to “make my egg sandwiches”.

Not only did I inform them of something they really didn’t need to know; I then elaborated and explained how the “eggs are already cooked, I just have to mash them up and make up the sandwiches. I would go to the shop but I haven’t got any money”!!!

I even did actions!!!

You know when you’re talking and you can hear it coming out, you want to stop it, but it just keeps coming?! Yep, that was me….babbling on about eggs to my Directors (the shame).

Any hope that they were engrossed in other thoughts and hadn’t noticed, quickly went out the window when one of them turned to me and said “I can’t believe you have just told us that”.

There are no words!

K x

https://kayles23blog.wordpress.com/

Suit of Armor

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I always laugh at England for its inability to cope with severe weather.

When it snows; the snow plows break down, we run out of salt and the whole Country comes to a standstill on the M6.

When we have 3 days of heat; hose pipe bans are splattered across the tabloids, shops run out of fans and Facebook is full of comments how we “like it warm….just not this warm”.

However, throw rain at Dubai and it makes England look calm and organised with a pinch of cautious.

I have just spent the past hour battling it out (think Hunger Games style) on the roads; while lunatics who usually overtake me at 160km/h, with their full beams on; drove in front of me at 85km/h, hazards flashing and no lights on!

We are talking torrential, ‘I cannot see 3 feet ahead’ rain and yet these drivers seem to be oblivious.

I have never fancied a scotch before, but I tell you what, if I had the option of one now I would take it. My hands are still dented from my nails!

Us Brits might be a bit over cautious when it comes to weather; but bring me a hose pipe ban and school lock down any day!

Now I’ve just got to drive back…best get out my Suit of Armor.